Ponderous

...and Mary pondered these things in her heart...
As a parent of children with special needs I have warn out many carpets as I have paced about places deliberating decisions.About 13 years ago or so, I am not exactly certain when, Cindy and I were faced with the decision of Cochlear Implant surgery for Elliot. I had seen interviews and other footage of people proud to be deaf and had conversation with some of our then very new to us deaf friends about the surgery. I, in particular, was very uncomfortable with doing the procedure for Elliot. He was about 5 then and we were trying to make decisions for someone who was of a different culture. We knew nothing about who he was going to be. How do you decide what is right for someone you don't know well? At 5, we knew Elliot best because we were his parents. With all the debate about weather CI's were an attempt to make hearing people out of deaf people, Cindy and I decided it needed to be Elliot's decision.
Today finds me and Cindy waiting for Elliot's CI surgery. He is now 18. Last night he asked us why we waited and did not have the surgery years ago. Many things have changed; for example 13 years ago the surgery was not approved for children under 5. They now do the surgery very early in life. Elliot wonders if his speech would be better if he had the surgery during the time of his development of his speech. We know with the other issues he has besides the deafness; the muscles in his tongue did not develop, even with good hearing he would have almost unintelligible speech. We explained that we knew the CI surgery would not be able to be undone. It needed to be his decision to have the surgery. When he was ready Cindy and I supported he as best we can.
I think about Mary and Joseph as they raised the infant Christ. I bet Mary and Joseph had many times with Jesus where they wondered what was best for their adopted son; times where they had to trust their heart and not their head. So many times Cindy and I had to trust our hearts in this journey of parenthood and not just with Elliot.
God always answers prayer. So many times I prayed that Cindy and I would make the right decisions for our children. Today I have confirmation that God has been and is a part of the decisions of parenthood. Elliot may not agree with the decision Cindy and I made. BUT I am happy because I know it was right to wait. What I ponder is that if it were either of the other two children we might have made the decision differently. There is no textbook right or wrong answer. I ponder the importance of connecting with God on a frequent if not always basis to make decisions. I ponder the things that my heart says to me. Recently I was confronted with a time where my heart was telling me something very different than my head. I listened to my head and it was the right choice.
I hope for the best for Elliot. I hope that after the pain he will have the results of this surgery that will make the pain worth while . These things and more I ponder.

Learning to Breathe

Twas the week before Christmas.... And the message for the Blue Christmas Service is still jelling in my mind, the two messages for Christmas Eve have not had hardly any thought put to them yet, and the message for Dec. 26 is somewhere in the scriptures I chose for that day. Each day is busy between now and Christmas. with meetings, caroling, Christmas services and Christmas parties I don't have a free night. I want to be a part of all these things because I know it is good for my soul. God, I know you can do anything you want, can't you give me 36 hour days between now and Christmas? How would it affect the world if the earth turned just a little slower for the next week and we had half again as much time to do things? I suppose it would really throw things off as our clocks would off not to mention our biological clocks. I suppose it would be more realistic to trust in my God to give me the words I need to say. To trust in what I already know from experience God will do for me. I slept last night; the best night's sleep I have had in weeks. It's my day off to be with my family, yet here I am typing this and figuring out what my children's message will be for tomorrow. Twas the week before Christmas and I am at peace. Thank you God.

Switchfoot: Learning to Breathe
Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

Finding silence

I posted on Face Book last week that I was in search of silence. I got some interesting replies, one said I should go to Amazon.com; I could buy a square inch of silence there. I have always had a mind that worked, that is I do a lot of thinking. My day is frequently an open prayer: "So God what do you think of that..., God please remember so-n-so..." and of course there are the mental reminders "don't forget...". It can be very challenging to let that all go and listen. To quiet all that thinking and just listen. We got 4 inches of new snow last night; the light powdery stuff that blows around and sticks to the branches, especially the spruces in my neighborhood. It's cold, windchill of negative 1. I found some silence today out there in that beautiful world, watching the branches direct a choir of wind and snow. All in the world isn't right, but in that place for that moment all was right. It was right, it was beautiful and I was reminded that God was there. I hope others find that too.

Sin

There are some aspects of my personality that I do not understand. Sometimes I have a load of self control, other times I have no control over myself. Uually the moments of lack of self control come and go as I am left wondering what I was thinking.
I have at least one annoying personality flaw that drives me crazy; my wife would tell you that I have more than one personality flaw so that is why I said at least 1. If sin is our seperation from God, my personality flaw cirtianly classifies as sin. So why is it so hard for me to stop this annoying and degrading behavior? I know all its ins and outs. I know how it seperates me from God. I know how it divides me from other people. I know how it affects my perception and values of others and how this perticulat flaw distorts my perception of reality. Yet, often before I even know I am sinning my flaw becomes manifest. I know I am not alone in facing my sin. I hope someday I will have control over it and be able to share my knowledge to help others overcome the flaw so that a relationship with God can be restored. Until that time I know I am not alone on my journey; I continue to learn and grow and trust that God, in the goodness of his time, will rescue me. This is why I am a Methodist following the theology of Wesley; this is my persuit of perfection. Always seeking to be better than what I am yet kn owing that God created me and loves me. It is the part of me that I have created that needs help.

Thanksgiving

Well, now that Thanksgiving is done I have had time to reflect on what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my wife who cooks for me and loves me for who I am yet challenges me to be more than I am; so often God uses her to speak to me.

I am thankful for my family; they bless me each and every day. They also give me wisdom that I don’t see on my own.

I am thankful for my freedom. There is little that I fear and I know that is not true for many in the world.

Most of all I am thankful for Christ who came into my life and has blessed me in so many ways. It is my hope that I can live in such a way that people are led into relationship with Christ by the things I do and the words I say so they can feel thankful and know the joy that I find in my relationship with Christ. Now I need to go for a walk to work off some of this food I ate in the last 2 days. Enjoy and ponder.

Power Hungry

This week, as I have been working on my message for Sunday morning, I have been quite aware of how I use my power and the power that I give those around me. My 12 year old daughter is struggling with a bullying incident that append in our neighborhood. She know the children involved on both sides and she knows that what is being said in the news is not the full story. A child has been given power and is not using the power wisely. If he did tell the truth the news wouldn't have much to report about the story. So there is also an issue of justice, but my daughter can't speak that yet; her youth has not given her the words to go with the experience. Jeremiah worked with, spoke against, how ever you want to word it, kings or shepherds that did not do their jobs well for over forty years in his ministry. How did he manage to "be in the world and not of the world"? How did he manage not to become corrupted by the systems he worked in? He must have had good self-care. We all have power and influence. I believe that we need to use or power to glorify the one who blessed us with the gifts that give us power; so often we don't. We don't see ourselves as shepherds, we seem to like to play the powerless card in our hand rather than the card that says I have power. Many of us are unaware that we have power. Many of us could care less about what we have been blessed with. I know it hurts God. It hurts me as a pastor too.

Trying to get back in the saddle again

Well... it's been a while since I posted anything. I do the same thing with my journaling, at it for a bit then walk away. I'm back! Who knows for how long, but for now I am back. Part of the reason I stopped was my wondering about what is so significant in my life that i need to tell others about it. While setting up the church computer I put my blog in and was reminded about the title: "it's all in the filling". I posted some facts on my Face Book page about hunger. Friends are not as surprised about the figures as I was; 15% of people in the US are classified as food inadequate. This gives me much pause for thought, who is responsible to help? Is it the government who should be helping? Is it the responsibility of our government to help people in need? If the answer is yes where do you draw the line. I heard a few weeks ago that people were using their welfare money to go on cruses and it really bothers me when i see foodstamps used to buy junk food or alcohol. I know my family would not be where they are today without SSI for my boys hearing aids and such and WIC which we used for all three of our children. Where in the Constitution does it say these things are the responsibility of government? I see so much of my paycheck being abused, I think, by the government. I would really like to see a Cabinet meeting of the US talking about finances as it is talked about at my dining room table or around the table at my churches Ad Board meetings. I feel like our government has become the peoples god. We used to give to the church or other charities to help those in need; now it seems to be the responsibility of government. The churches and charities are suffering because there isn't enough money. Government has issues with abuse of the programs, and I know there are those in need that abuse the charities too. Who can do the job better? I think that our separation of church and state has gone too far. How do we bring common sense back to reality? There must be balance somewhere. I am not one of those who looks back at the days gone by and say "I miss those" or "I wish we lived like that". I just wonder what happened to ethics and common sense? How do we teach these things to our children and begin to make a real difference for them in the world that will be their reality?

Getting Started

So a new start, what's with the title? Well, We all see the outside of people. We don't always see what is on the inside.I want this blog to help you see inside of my outside, to see where my thoughts come from and to explore some of my thoughts for sermons,
This week I have found myself frustrated with people's reaction to the help going to Haiti. We expect things so quickly in our culture. As I wrote my sermon this week this fact was in the pack of my mind. My experience of emergemcy response has taught me that it takes time to be safe and that rescuers must be safe. If the rescuer is injured, who will respond? When injured the rescuer becomes part of the problem, not the solution.
Counter that with the First Corinthian reading (12:12-31) that speaks to the need for everyone to be welcome and part of the body of Christ and knowing that Christ is a part of all of us. How do we respond? These were some of my thoughts for the sermon.