Ponderous

...and Mary pondered these things in her heart...
As a parent of children with special needs I have warn out many carpets as I have paced about places deliberating decisions.About 13 years ago or so, I am not exactly certain when, Cindy and I were faced with the decision of Cochlear Implant surgery for Elliot. I had seen interviews and other footage of people proud to be deaf and had conversation with some of our then very new to us deaf friends about the surgery. I, in particular, was very uncomfortable with doing the procedure for Elliot. He was about 5 then and we were trying to make decisions for someone who was of a different culture. We knew nothing about who he was going to be. How do you decide what is right for someone you don't know well? At 5, we knew Elliot best because we were his parents. With all the debate about weather CI's were an attempt to make hearing people out of deaf people, Cindy and I decided it needed to be Elliot's decision.
Today finds me and Cindy waiting for Elliot's CI surgery. He is now 18. Last night he asked us why we waited and did not have the surgery years ago. Many things have changed; for example 13 years ago the surgery was not approved for children under 5. They now do the surgery very early in life. Elliot wonders if his speech would be better if he had the surgery during the time of his development of his speech. We know with the other issues he has besides the deafness; the muscles in his tongue did not develop, even with good hearing he would have almost unintelligible speech. We explained that we knew the CI surgery would not be able to be undone. It needed to be his decision to have the surgery. When he was ready Cindy and I supported he as best we can.
I think about Mary and Joseph as they raised the infant Christ. I bet Mary and Joseph had many times with Jesus where they wondered what was best for their adopted son; times where they had to trust their heart and not their head. So many times Cindy and I had to trust our hearts in this journey of parenthood and not just with Elliot.
God always answers prayer. So many times I prayed that Cindy and I would make the right decisions for our children. Today I have confirmation that God has been and is a part of the decisions of parenthood. Elliot may not agree with the decision Cindy and I made. BUT I am happy because I know it was right to wait. What I ponder is that if it were either of the other two children we might have made the decision differently. There is no textbook right or wrong answer. I ponder the importance of connecting with God on a frequent if not always basis to make decisions. I ponder the things that my heart says to me. Recently I was confronted with a time where my heart was telling me something very different than my head. I listened to my head and it was the right choice.
I hope for the best for Elliot. I hope that after the pain he will have the results of this surgery that will make the pain worth while . These things and more I ponder.