Ponderous

...and Mary pondered these things in her heart...
As a parent of children with special needs I have warn out many carpets as I have paced about places deliberating decisions.About 13 years ago or so, I am not exactly certain when, Cindy and I were faced with the decision of Cochlear Implant surgery for Elliot. I had seen interviews and other footage of people proud to be deaf and had conversation with some of our then very new to us deaf friends about the surgery. I, in particular, was very uncomfortable with doing the procedure for Elliot. He was about 5 then and we were trying to make decisions for someone who was of a different culture. We knew nothing about who he was going to be. How do you decide what is right for someone you don't know well? At 5, we knew Elliot best because we were his parents. With all the debate about weather CI's were an attempt to make hearing people out of deaf people, Cindy and I decided it needed to be Elliot's decision.
Today finds me and Cindy waiting for Elliot's CI surgery. He is now 18. Last night he asked us why we waited and did not have the surgery years ago. Many things have changed; for example 13 years ago the surgery was not approved for children under 5. They now do the surgery very early in life. Elliot wonders if his speech would be better if he had the surgery during the time of his development of his speech. We know with the other issues he has besides the deafness; the muscles in his tongue did not develop, even with good hearing he would have almost unintelligible speech. We explained that we knew the CI surgery would not be able to be undone. It needed to be his decision to have the surgery. When he was ready Cindy and I supported he as best we can.
I think about Mary and Joseph as they raised the infant Christ. I bet Mary and Joseph had many times with Jesus where they wondered what was best for their adopted son; times where they had to trust their heart and not their head. So many times Cindy and I had to trust our hearts in this journey of parenthood and not just with Elliot.
God always answers prayer. So many times I prayed that Cindy and I would make the right decisions for our children. Today I have confirmation that God has been and is a part of the decisions of parenthood. Elliot may not agree with the decision Cindy and I made. BUT I am happy because I know it was right to wait. What I ponder is that if it were either of the other two children we might have made the decision differently. There is no textbook right or wrong answer. I ponder the importance of connecting with God on a frequent if not always basis to make decisions. I ponder the things that my heart says to me. Recently I was confronted with a time where my heart was telling me something very different than my head. I listened to my head and it was the right choice.
I hope for the best for Elliot. I hope that after the pain he will have the results of this surgery that will make the pain worth while . These things and more I ponder.

Learning to Breathe

Twas the week before Christmas.... And the message for the Blue Christmas Service is still jelling in my mind, the two messages for Christmas Eve have not had hardly any thought put to them yet, and the message for Dec. 26 is somewhere in the scriptures I chose for that day. Each day is busy between now and Christmas. with meetings, caroling, Christmas services and Christmas parties I don't have a free night. I want to be a part of all these things because I know it is good for my soul. God, I know you can do anything you want, can't you give me 36 hour days between now and Christmas? How would it affect the world if the earth turned just a little slower for the next week and we had half again as much time to do things? I suppose it would really throw things off as our clocks would off not to mention our biological clocks. I suppose it would be more realistic to trust in my God to give me the words I need to say. To trust in what I already know from experience God will do for me. I slept last night; the best night's sleep I have had in weeks. It's my day off to be with my family, yet here I am typing this and figuring out what my children's message will be for tomorrow. Twas the week before Christmas and I am at peace. Thank you God.

Switchfoot: Learning to Breathe
Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

Finding silence

I posted on Face Book last week that I was in search of silence. I got some interesting replies, one said I should go to Amazon.com; I could buy a square inch of silence there. I have always had a mind that worked, that is I do a lot of thinking. My day is frequently an open prayer: "So God what do you think of that..., God please remember so-n-so..." and of course there are the mental reminders "don't forget...". It can be very challenging to let that all go and listen. To quiet all that thinking and just listen. We got 4 inches of new snow last night; the light powdery stuff that blows around and sticks to the branches, especially the spruces in my neighborhood. It's cold, windchill of negative 1. I found some silence today out there in that beautiful world, watching the branches direct a choir of wind and snow. All in the world isn't right, but in that place for that moment all was right. It was right, it was beautiful and I was reminded that God was there. I hope others find that too.

Sin

There are some aspects of my personality that I do not understand. Sometimes I have a load of self control, other times I have no control over myself. Uually the moments of lack of self control come and go as I am left wondering what I was thinking.
I have at least one annoying personality flaw that drives me crazy; my wife would tell you that I have more than one personality flaw so that is why I said at least 1. If sin is our seperation from God, my personality flaw cirtianly classifies as sin. So why is it so hard for me to stop this annoying and degrading behavior? I know all its ins and outs. I know how it seperates me from God. I know how it divides me from other people. I know how it affects my perception and values of others and how this perticulat flaw distorts my perception of reality. Yet, often before I even know I am sinning my flaw becomes manifest. I know I am not alone in facing my sin. I hope someday I will have control over it and be able to share my knowledge to help others overcome the flaw so that a relationship with God can be restored. Until that time I know I am not alone on my journey; I continue to learn and grow and trust that God, in the goodness of his time, will rescue me. This is why I am a Methodist following the theology of Wesley; this is my persuit of perfection. Always seeking to be better than what I am yet kn owing that God created me and loves me. It is the part of me that I have created that needs help.